Category: Blog

So I took this picture so I could post it last Saturday on #nationalrainbowbabyday but I just couldn’t post it.

The words on that onesie had me too much in my head.

They still do. It’s difficult for me to write about “hope” for some reason. Not because I don’t have it, but because it means so much.

I had many moments after the passing of my son that were sad and really hard to get through, but only one true “hopeless” day.

Exactly a week after he passed, I had a day where I doubted EVERYTHING. Throughout the 9 months, I had been writing down every moment, every sign, every doctors report, every prayer. I knew that writing it all down would be so important one day.

Exactly a week after he passed, it was already a tough day, but then I also decided to read through that journal (it was probably a little too early for that). I also wrote down things that had happened in that week in great detail.

Long story short, the journal did not encourage me. It had quite the opposite affect. It made me feel like everything was pointless and honestly… I felt like maybe God wasn’t even involved. My faith had never suffered so much.

I have often said that I felt God so much through my pregnancy with Levi. Well, that didn’t conclude when he died. I still felt like God was there and speaking everyday after… except that one day.

That day felt hopeless.

That day I learned what hopelessness truly felt like. It was extremely dark.

I also learned where my hope comes from.

My hope is found in my Savior.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

This is a commonly quoted verse and one that is extremely encouraging, but this wasn’t said to the Israelites during their greatest victory. If you read the whole chapter, God said this to them in the midst of their exile. They were being told that their struggle would continue, but then they got this assurance that God was working through it. Even though things were going to be bad for a while, He STILL had plans for them. They still had hope.

It was difficult for me to post that onesie picture as a symbol of rainbow baby day because hope is so much more than the excitement of my rainbow baby.

Words can’t express how thankful I am for this child in my womb, but my hope does not come from the blessings of this earth.

My hope is in the fact that my God is faithful. I may not see it the larger picture, but He knows the plan for it all. His plan for a hope and a future doesn’t mean that it’s going to go our way or that it’s always going to be fantastic. It means that our life has a greater purpose than we can possibly comprehend.

Life can be unbelievably difficult, but…

There is hope. 🤍

(Ps. I had so many sweet messages from people after Levi passed, but one stuck out to me. An old friend told me that things might feel hopeless at times. She also told me not to be afraid to talk to someone if they do. Jesus is your number 1 lifeline, but God puts people around us to encourage us and lift us up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Don’t ever be afraid to talk to someone.)

Sometimes God speaks and we think we know exactly what He’s saying…

Then when things don’t go exactly the way we thought, we doubt that He said anything at all.

This is the story of my life 😂

Last year, there were many times that God showed up in the midst of the chaos that was going on around me.

There was one week where 2 of my best friends (without the other knowing) gave me an item with Psalm 46:10 on it:

Be still and know that I am God.

One gave me a shirt and the other gave me a bracelet. Whenever I started to get fearful and doubt, I would cling to the fact that God wanted me to rest in Him and trust Him.

This, among other instances, told me that everything would be okay because He was in control. What I interpreted that to mean was… “my son is going to be born healthy.”

I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t doubted God’s voice since he passed, but as the year has gone by, one thing has become very clear…

His ways and thoughts are higher than mine. (Isaiah 55:9)

He’s still speaking and moving even when we don’t like how the events in our life are transpiring.

When bad things happen in life, we can be still and know He is God.

Knowing that He is God and believing that He is in control of all things; knowing and believing that He’s working all things for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28)… these are the sources of stillness and peace when it comes to grief.

I wanted to learn what the Bible said about miracles…

Because although, I desire to see a miracle, I struggle with what they are how to make them happen. That statement sounds really selfish. (That should’ve been my first clue).

I searched in the concordance at the end of my Bible for the word “miracle” and I wrote down every verse that mentioned the word, so that I could learn more.

As I went through each verse I had written down, I noted the verses that stuck out to me.

Many verses in the Old Testament told me that God had done a lot of miracles in the past and we shouldn’t forget them.

Most of the verses attributed miracles to faith. It also pointed out that lack of faith = lack of miracles.

This is where I’ve been stuck… when I was pregnant with Levi, we started getting bad news that progressively got worse as the pregnancy went on. Family, friends and even strangers prayed with us and believed for a miracle. I had felt like my faith was stronger than it had ever been.

I had clung to verses that spoke of how just a little bit of faith could do so much (Matthew 17:20, Mark 9:23), but the reports continued to get worse, and in the end, my little boy went to be with Jesus.

Sometimes it seemed like a miracle didn’t happen because my faith wasn’t strong enough.

As I continued looking at the Bible verses on miracles that I had written down, none were really helping me understand. I was praying for a revelation… and then I read the very last verse on the list:

And God confirmed the message by giving signs and wonders and various miracles and gifts of the Holy Spirit whenever he chose.

Hebrews 2:4

God had used signs, wonders and miracles in the Bible to confirm the truth of Jesus.

It’s funny how sometimes you’re getting nowhere when reading the Bible and then all of a sudden… EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE! Lol

Yesterday, I had been grappling with a similar question and I read Psalm 115:1 which says,

Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness

It’s a great verse and I clung to it, but it didn’t seem to answer my question. When in actuality, IT DID!

It’s all for the glory of God. Yes, faith is necessary for miracles. Yes, miracles still happen all the time.

No, they are not for my glory or pleasure. They are for His glory and to confirm that He is very real and active in our lives.

Jesus was accredited my God through miracles

Acts 2:22

When Jesus did miracles in the Bible, it was to show the people that He was the son of God. It is the same for miracles done today.

I may feel like God should’ve healed my son, but the truth is that God knows and sees so much more than I do.

God is still moving in our world today and Jeremiah 29:13 tell us that if we seek him wholeheartedly, then we will find him.

Last night, I was thinking a lot about storms…

One reason for that was because there’s a hurricane very close 😂, but I think we can all identify with those “storms” of life .

Waking up in the middle of the night to the possibility of a hurricane as well as my upcoming appointment felt like a lot. So… I prayed about it and went back to sleep.

This morning, right before I walked into my doctors appointment, “Peace Be Still” sung by Hope Darst came on in my car (God encourages me a lot through music). The lyrics made me smile:

“I’m not gonna be afraid

‘Cause these waves are only waves

I’m not gonna be afraid

I’m not gonna be afraid

I’m not gonna fear the storm

You are greater than it’s roar

I’m not gonna fear the storm

I’m not gonna fear at all”

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

I know this to be true more than anything else. When the storms are raging in our lives (both literal and metaphorical), prayer produces peace.

I felt peace when the news was bad, just as I have felt peace as the news has been good (today’s news was good☺️☺️☺️)

Relying on the One who is in control continues to guard my heart and mind.

We appreciate everyone’s prayers more than you know!!❤️

If you ask me if everything is going well…

I’ll tell you, yes.

And that’s the truth.

Every doctor’s appointment has been positive. Ever since the first trimester ended, I’ve been feeling good. Being in quarantine has allowed me to rest more and eat better.

Of course, there has been the added stress of Covid, the news always bringing something crazy, and buying a first home 🤪, but overall, those things haven’t bothered me because I’m so happy to have a healthy baby.

What is the most stressful part of this pregnancy? The doctors appointments.

Early on in the pregnancy, I would have panic attacks about going to doctors appointments. Even though I thought the stress would subside once I got that first report, I was still left with anxiety for days after. I would feel relief after going to the doctor, but then would soon find a reason to stress again.

My God is faithful.

It’s hard to share about my doubts and my fears because I don’t want to lessen that statement. He was so present during my last pregnancy and He still is today. Even though I don’t always do my best to rely on Him, He gives me strength.

For example, I have to have more tests than a normal pregnancy. Coming up, is one of the those tests. On Monday, I got the phone call to schedule an appointment and I ignored the call, full knowing who it was.

I ignored the call because I just didn’t want to deal with it… especially not first thing Monday morning.

Moments after the call, the song “Raise a Hallelujah” came on. This is a tricky song for me (with courage and timing, I’ll explain more about that later). Despite the fact that I don’t want it to be, 😂 the song is a reminder to me of God’s presence in my situation.

I’m still in a place of wanting to ignore the stuff that’s hard, but God was letting me know that He’s in the middle of it with me. 🖤

The truth is… I’m lazy.

I could be writing so much more, but I let my laziness take over. Sometimes, the words come in the middle of the night, but it’s just too difficult to get out of bed and write them down.

I few nights ago, I actually wrote a short bit of what I felt in my heart.

I was reminded of two stories in the Bible. The first was of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. I tend to reference their faith a lot in blogposts. The story goes as follows: the 3 men were being thrown into a fiery furnace. In that moment, they declared:

If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.

Daniel 3:17-18

The second story that came to my mind was when God told Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. Abraham was obedient to God even though God had promised this son to him. When Abraham had gotten to the point of almost sacrificing his son, God told him to stop and provided a lamb instead. The story shows Abraham’s obedience to God. This is one that has always been difficult for me to wrap my head around.

As I thought about these instances in the Bible, I noticed that in both situations, they were obedient and faithful. They were obedient and faithful despite any assurance that they’d be saved from the situation.

Their faith was not dependent on the outcome that they desired.

Can we say the same thing in our own situations? Faith isn’t involved when you know the outcome.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 1:11

But it does further than that… Are you willing to take that step of obedience? Are you willing to do what you are called? Are you willing to do what he’s asking you… despite the assurance of a desired outcome??

The past few nights I have been lying awake in bed for a long time just thinking about the day, the country, and the world. Last night, this verse came to mind. I was hesitant about posting because I never want to take scripture out of context, but at the same time, 2 Timothy 3:16 reminds us that “all scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.”

For the country to change, the hearts of the people must first change.

HUMBLE YOURSELF- don’t think so highly of yourself, put the needs of others before yourself, put God’s will before your own.
PRAY- pray for this country, pray for change, pray for wisdom and understanding.

SEEK HIS FACE- seek what God would have you to do and how He would have you respond.

TURN FROM YOUR WICKED WAYS- once you have humbled yourself, prayed and sought after God, you then should know the parts of your heart that need change. Be that change! Show love toward others; take the steps you are called to take.

Healing comes from repentance. The greatest commandment is to love God and love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37-39). If that love is not evident in the way you treat others, then work needs to be done.

Maybe part of His plan in us “staying home” during this season was because it was time for a heart change. 🖤

 

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.””

Daniel 3:17-18

In the midst of receiving bad report after bad report while pregnant with our son Levi, the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego was a passage of scripture that Harrison and I clung to. It was amazing to me that God was with them through the fire and His power was able to save them from the blazing furnace. At almost the same time that Harrison and I felt this passage strongly on our hearts, the Hillsong song “Another in the Fire” came out. There were so many little instances where God was so present in our situation.

I was drawn to the Bible verses and instances where God did miraculous things. This passage in Daniel was no different, but I was always stuck on one line. There was always one line that I would skip in my mind: “but even if he does not.” Personally, I didn’t want to think of a situation where he didn’t do a miracle. I used to believe that BIG faith was trusting that He can and will do miracles. These men had so great of faith to say that HE CAN DO MIRACLES, BUT WE WILL BELIEVE IN HIM AND WE WILL SERVE HIM WHETHER HE DOES OR DOES NOT.

He’s so good and whether He answers a prayer the way we want or not… He is still good. He’s still faithful. He’s still in control. He still listens to your prayers. You are still loved.

Putting your trust in God does not mean that you trust Him to make everything end up the way YOU think it should.

Putting your trust in God means that you trust Him to make everything end up the way HE knows it should.

Trust is actually believing that His ways are better and higher than anything we could ask or imagine (immeasurably more— as Ephesians 3:20 points out). Your goals for 2020 should point to Him. They should be ordained by Him. In viewing our life in terms of eternity, our “goals” only matter if they are in line with the ultimate goal. In the Lords Prayer, we are given an outline in which to pray. I come back to this often because it’s such a clear instruction from Jesus. Here it is:

This, then, is how you should pray: “ ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

Matthew 6:9-13 NIV

This prayer starts with, “hallowed be your name.” This word “hallowed” means He should be honored and glorified. Secondly, Jesus instructs us to pray “your kingdom come, your will be done.” When I read this, it tells me that when we’re are talking with God, we start by focusing on the fact that He is number one. We need to ask Him for everything in our life to point to that fact.

How often, though, do we come to Him with requests?

This is not a bad thing. Philippians 4:6 tells us to make our requests known to God. He cares about what you care about and He wants to hear from you. Too often though, we are putting our requests in front of His purpose or neglecting His plan altogether.

My favorite verse is Proverbs 3:5-6. It says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and he will make your path straight.” This has always been an encouraging verse to me. In so many seasons, including this very confusing one, it tells me that He is in control and worthy of my trust. It also says to “lean not on (my) own understanding” and that tells me that I’m not going to understand it. The lack of understanding may be a good thing. It may mean that it’s becoming more about Him and less about you.

Keep your eyes on the goal!!! The goal is for His Kingdom to come and His Will to be done. Everything that happens in our life should point to that goal.

The past few months have been challenging for my walk. The death of my son Levi has brought me into a season where God’s plan doesn’t make sense to me. My current feelings are not due to my comprehension of suffering. My confusion stems from thinking that I had a clear grasp of what God was doing, and it turns out that I did not (details of that story are for a future time).

Although I still do not have any idea what God is doing, I can stand on what is constant… the character of God.

I’m learning everyday about what it means to put your faith in God. This has been an ongoing education throughout my life, but it’s been at a doctorate level in the past year. I may not be an expert yet, but I can tell you what faith is not…Faith in God is not a wish-granting factory.

Yes, all things are possible with God, but not all things are planned by God.

Faith requires a complete dependence on the fact that God knows what He’s doing. It involves trusting that His plans are right even when they don’t match your plans.

I’ve always felt like I had BIG faith, but the truth is, your faith is measured in the valley. Your faith is measured when you are waiting. We know this from the story of Job. I’ve honestly always struggled with this story. The Bible says, in Job 42, that God gave Job twice as much as he had before. I always thought, “well that’s nice, but he’ll never forget what he lost. The pain will always be there.”

The truth is, I believe that the pain is there for a reason. Job was not meant to forget the times of suffering. If Job forgot the suffering, then how would the rest of us get to be encouraged by it. I like to think that when God was writing Job’s story, He was thinking about you and I. He was considering everyone who would go through a struggle. Now, we have an example to turn to when our faith is tested. (Also, I believe only a portion of Job’s abundance was found here on Earth — something to look forward to :))

Oswald Chambers described faith so well when he said,

Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.

I know that right now it feels bad. Right now, I don’t understand. Right now, I’m dealing with a million emotions a day…

BUT right now, my God is setting the stage for something miraculous. My God is good and His character has been shown countless times. My eyes can’t see what’s unfolding now, but by looking at what He’s done in the past, I’m assured that the future is in good hands.

Job surely didn’t understand his circumstances when he was facing them, but his faith came from trusting in the One who was holding everything together. BIG faith is trusting in a BIG God despite how things appear.

Hebrews 13 talks about Him being the same yesterday, today and forever. The character of God doesn’t change either. He’s still working things for your good, even in the midst of it looking really bad.

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 NLT