So I took this picture so I could post it last Saturday on #nationalrainbowbabyday but I just couldn’t post it.
The words on that onesie had me too much in my head.
They still do. It’s difficult for me to write about “hope” for some reason. Not because I don’t have it, but because it means so much.
I had many moments after the passing of my son that were sad and really hard to get through, but only one true “hopeless” day.
Exactly a week after he passed, I had a day where I doubted EVERYTHING. Throughout the 9 months, I had been writing down every moment, every sign, every doctors report, every prayer. I knew that writing it all down would be so important one day.
Exactly a week after he passed, it was already a tough day, but then I also decided to read through that journal (it was probably a little too early for that). I also wrote down things that had happened in that week in great detail.
Long story short, the journal did not encourage me. It had quite the opposite affect. It made me feel like everything was pointless and honestly… I felt like maybe God wasn’t even involved. My faith had never suffered so much.
I have often said that I felt God so much through my pregnancy with Levi. Well, that didn’t conclude when he died. I still felt like God was there and speaking everyday after… except that one day.
That day felt hopeless.
That day I learned what hopelessness truly felt like. It was extremely dark.
I also learned where my hope comes from.
My hope is found in my Savior.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jeremiah 29:11
This is a commonly quoted verse and one that is extremely encouraging, but this wasn’t said to the Israelites during their greatest victory. If you read the whole chapter, God said this to them in the midst of their exile. They were being told that their struggle would continue, but then they got this assurance that God was working through it. Even though things were going to be bad for a while, He STILL had plans for them. They still had hope.
It was difficult for me to post that onesie picture as a symbol of rainbow baby day because hope is so much more than the excitement of my rainbow baby.
Words can’t express how thankful I am for this child in my womb, but my hope does not come from the blessings of this earth.
My hope is in the fact that my God is faithful. I may not see it the larger picture, but He knows the plan for it all. His plan for a hope and a future doesn’t mean that it’s going to go our way or that it’s always going to be fantastic. It means that our life has a greater purpose than we can possibly comprehend.
Life can be unbelievably difficult, but…
There is hope. 🤍
(Ps. I had so many sweet messages from people after Levi passed, but one stuck out to me. An old friend told me that things might feel hopeless at times. She also told me not to be afraid to talk to someone if they do. Jesus is your number 1 lifeline, but God puts people around us to encourage us and lift us up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Don’t ever be afraid to talk to someone.)